Truth was challenging all that I was and my core values. At the same time I was being pushed internally to believe the words of Jesus in John 14:6:
“I am the way, the truth, and the life.”
Was Jesus saying He was the essence of truth? That through Him was the way to Life? To embrace Him as Truth was a costly proposition. If I embraced the Bible as Truth, His Truth, then it meant that I must lose myself to find Jesus and know Him fully. How could I lose who I was-a gay woman? After all, I was created by God this way, right? It was so agonizing. So unfair that I should lose my identity to follow Jesus. Others were not directed to lose themselves, were they? This was a weighty decision.
To go all in with Jesus and accept the Bible as absolute truth mandated a different path for my relational future. Let’s face it, my desires and attractions had not changed. It was becoming evident that a life of celibacy was my only option if I complied with the Biblical view of sexuality and marriage. It would also mean that my sexuality would not be my primary identity. Was this what He meant by Life? One that would include keeping my desires in check and denying my attractions? Did it mean I would need to lead a life as a single woman with no hope of a relationship, ever?
For the first time ever I saw the dilemma faced by people with same sex attractions who also identified as Christian. I also saw why revisionists and those who take on pro-gay theology butted heads with those who upheld the traditional Biblical view of sex and marriage. It is a big deal! It influences how we view identity, gender roles, and the marriage relationship. Key components of our humanity. As a non-Christian they only thing that had mattered to me was being accepted as an equal by my straight counterparts and having the same rights, responsibilities and privileges heterosexual couples had.
However. my faith challenged me to see beyond myself and my own needs and consider a different point of view. Could I really follow this path? Did I really want to go there? Perhaps, this was counting the cost of really following Jesus. Maybe this was my cross to bear and the way I would have to deny myself to follow Him. The thought lingered within me: was is worth it?