Many who are gay-identified Christians reach a point of crisis of both their identity and faith. This was certainly true for me a couple years into my life as a follower of Christ; my faith and sexuality collided. By this point I had read the majority of the New Testament three or four times and I felt conflicted and challenged to resolve the issue. I was determined to prove to myself and others that God had created me gay and the conflict would be the end of the discussion. Instead my heart and mind were increasingly divided. My identity as a lesbian brought me comfort and security for almost forty years of my life. Yet every time I read or heard the Apostle Paul’s writings, especially Romans 1, or his letters to the church in Corinth, I was challenged to look deeper at my sexuality and identity. This, along with Jesus’ call from Mark 8:34-37 to lose myself, weighed heavily on me.
Everything within me wanted to keep my sexual identity as it was, but I felt confronted by the creation account and God’s design for gender roles and marriage. You have no idea how much I wanted to just write off that part of the Bible to appease my own perception, attractions and desires. Then there was this little thing called sin. My mindset was, if God created me gay then how could He possibly call who I was sinful and condemn me to hell because of my attractions? In my limited understanding of the Bible and theology, this seemed contradictory. I spent months reading the first three chapters of Genesis and Psalm 139, incorporating Hebrew dictionaries and commentaries, and cross-referencing every verse that referenced sex, gender, personhood and marriage. It was an intense season of life.
Frankly it would have been easier to throw in with those who embraced pro-gay theology or were part of the revisionist movement. Their messaging tends to either ignore, rewrite, or redefine certain passages in the Bible. Being someone who has always highly valued truth I found that unsettling and decided to stick with the Bible itself and honestly seek God through prayer to resolve the issue. In the midst of all this I could not deny my attractions; they were just as real and part of me as my desire for truth. I had not chosen at the tender age of nine or ten to be exclusively attracted to women but I was. I tried dating men a few times but there was nothing there that sparked my heart the way a woman did.
My personal crisis reached a boiling point. Truth began to matter more than my feelings and on some levels more than my identity. During this time I heard Christopher Yuan ask this question: “If Jesus could surrender His sexuality for us, why can’t we?” That question hit me hard. Truth became an all-or-nothing venture. It seemed like risky business entrusting God with the uncertainty of my identity and the unknown relational future
Thanks for following my journey; your comments are welcomed.