As I acknowledged in my last post, I am a sinner; admitting that on some level my sexuality was a sin didn’t come easily to me. Yet, I couldn’t escape the reality that from a Biblical worldview God’s created purpose for sexuality at creation didn’t include same-sex relationships. Furthermore, same-sex attractions were not part of His intended design.
Yet, I was deeply disturbed by a lingering question concerning my sexuality needing to be restored: when it came to my sexual identity, I didn’t see myself as a broken person. As they say in Texas, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” On the one hand, it was easy to see that I live in a broken and fallen world where sexual and relational brokenness exists—things such as lust, sexual abuse, rape, STDs, HIV/AIDS, porn addiction, gender confusion, divorce, and adultery, to name a few.
I could see that sexuality is a good gift from God.To an extent, I could even embrace that being a woman was a gift. What I feared was that God was going to change my attractions and place me in a relationship with a man. That thought terrified me.
Something began to shift within me. I came to a place of acceptance that I was sexually and relationally broken. That was a high risk to take because it meant that I had to lay down my right to be in a relationship with another woman and be open to the possibility of a relationship with a man. At that point I hated men, and the idea of being in a relationship with one disgusted me. Needless to say, this idea of redemption and restoration of my sexuality caused a great deal of angst within me.
All I really knew to do was to surrender the right to my sexuality and desire for a relationship with another woman to God. By surrendering my sexuality to God, I knew I would have to choose my relationship with God above my desires and attractions. It also meant committing to sexual purity and the possibility of growing old alone. Rather than being life-giving, that felt like a death sentence.
In the midst of my gloom and doom, the prophetic words about Jesus in Isaiah 61 breathed hope into my heart. I felt hope that in the midst of my brokenness, sorrow and despair over my assumed losses, God was going to restore me. The question, “What did my sexuality need to be redeemed from, and what was it going to be restored to?” lingered in my mind. I sensed hope nonetheless.
Next time I will unpack my lingering question.
Thanks for following my journey, I welcome honest questions and discussion.